The Words Of Apology That Undermine Your Presentations
My wife and I recently had plans to leave our house earlier than usual for a Sunday morning. As I went upstairs to shower, I turned back toward her and said, “Let’s try to aim to leave around 7:30.”
As soon as I said that, I knew there would be no chance of us leaving at 7:30. I had heard my own words, which packed three hedge words into a single short sentence:
“Let’s TRY to AIM to leave AROUND 7:30.”
That choice of words suggested to me that I wasn’t particularly committed to my own idea (we ended up leaving closer to 7:50). And it made me think about all of the times I hear speakers use hedge words—or their kissing cousin, words of apology—which are the focus of this post.
I often hear speakers using these types of phrases:
“I’m just going to take a minute to tell you about….”
“Real quickly, I’ll explain why…”
“”I’m sorry if you’ve heard this before, but…”
Like the phrase I used when speaking to my wife, each of those phrases signal something to an audience.
The first two phrases send a message of insecurity, that the speaker doesn’t feel confident enough in his or her content or position to simply say what they had planned to. As I say to our clients, it’s going to take you the same amount of time to share that content whether you pre-apologize for it or not—so why pre-apologize? Doing so only makes you look insecure and unnecessarily threatens your credibility.
The third sentence sends a message of either poor planning or poor framing. Instead of apologizing and barreling through the content anyway, the speaker could have either looked for a new way to share the same information or at least sold the repeated content as an asset (“For those of you who have heard this before, this will serve as a useful refresher.”).
In her post about the word “just” published last spring by PR Daily, leadership strategist Ellen Petry Leanse writes that she sees more women using these “permission” words than men. I’ve made the same observation in my own workshops. There are all sorts of cultural reasons for why that may be the case, but it can undermine an otherwise confident message nonetheless.
As Leanse says:
“The more I thought about it, the more I realized that [just] was a “child” word…As such, it put the conversation partner into the “parent” position, granting them more authority and control.”
Using these words or phrases of apology are not going to doom your next presentation. But it’s a good idea to remain aware of the potential message they send and work to remove them from your talks.
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Very glad you touched on this, Brad. I hear these things all the time, and it makes me want to slap the presenters, because I’m there specifically to listen to them. Unless they plan on wasting my time, chances are I don’t believe they will be. I think these types of apologetic phrases get used because most speakers plain and simply don’t like speaking/presenting, and have already convinced themselves that their presentations will be poor. If more folks gave themselves permission to practice, they’d be so much better at public speaking–and so much more confident.
Thank you, Art. I agree with your conclusion — these types of words and phrases tend to be signs of insecurity, lack of commitment, or a sense that they don’t belong on the stage for some reason. As I admitted in the post, I’m guilty of this too, but at least I hear myself using these phrases, which is the first step toward eliminating them.
Thanks, as always, for reading.
Brad
Years ago I promised a concerned friend I’d try really hard not to be so tense … yes, using those exact words. The reasons for my anxiety didn’t come out for years, until I did, but that’s another story. Suffice to say in the interim I never found a way to relax by going after my objective with clenched fists ;).
The incident sticks with me because it taught me to listen to what I’m truly saying, both to the world and to myself. Being an introvert, and a person who detests overt sales appeals, I still sometimes find it a challenge to talk about my writing. But over time I’ve learned that what works for me is to engage my audience – be it an individual, an industry professional, or a reader – as a conversation. I love to talk about writing, story concepts, and themes. It’s a matter of seeing my own contributions as belonging to those discussions. Ultimately, it is about one’s perceptions of worth. Yet it’s also a matter of understanding and trusting with your own style of engagement.
“Be yourself” may sound like an overused slogan, but it remains the key.
Good article, Brad. I have found that it has a lot to do with culture. As an example, when I lived and worked in Canada, many more of my clients were soft-spoken — both men and women — than what I have heard since I moved back to the States. I think when it comes to presenting, it really deals with one’s level of confidence.
Interesting article by Ellen Petry. In my own case, I see myself using the ‘just’ word more on a personal level than on a professional one. Good food for thought.
Hello colleagues,
As I see it, qualifier words are used to reduce the power of our communication. Some of us are uncomfortable at full throttle while we are getting used to our new positions (of power). I consciously work to not apologize at the podium or cut myself short. Work in progress.
Regards,
Paul
Thanks for this post, Brad.